"I don't understand why nobody takes me seriously!" says a young woman at a weekend course on assertiveness for women. The petite engineer smiles at the classroom. "I'm smart, capable and assertive," she says, "but no one respects me!" The entire classroom bursts out laughing.
Why? The secret's in the smile.
A picture is worth a thousand words
As the adage goes, a picture is worth a thousand words. Or, in this case, a smile: no matter how often we weigh in on workplace goings on, how brilliant our ideas, how Calvinist our work ethic, we are judged by how we present ourselves.
Research shows that it takes four minutes to make a first impression, and, according to a widely cited study by professor Albert Mehrabian, body language accounts for 55% of that impression (38% comes from tone of voice; the remaining 7% from our actual words).
First impressions are especially important for women in the workplace, where shaping perception and building a personal brand is paramount to success. Dr. Lois Frankel, career coach and author of the newly re-released Nice Girls Don't Get The Corner Office, makes it her business to give women advice on managing the impression they make and maintaining their reputation in the business world: "Your first impressions are your first opportunity to sell yourself, your business and your brand."
Don't diminish your credibility. Many are aware that body language can be a hindrance in presenting your best self, but it can also be a tool for managing other people's perceptions of you.
By identifying common body language behaviour, women can effectively manage others' impressions of them. For example, says Frankel, grooming gestures, most noticeably touching of the hair, or tucking hair behind the ears, can diminish a woman's credibility in a business setting.
The gesture is demure, she says, and can take years off of your perceived maturity level if done without thought. However, when delivering a particularly harsh message at work, purposefully making the same gesture can serve to soften the blow, or give the impression that you are more caring or empathetic.
Use it to your advantage. It boils down to awareness. If you're conscious of your body language ticks, you can manipulate them in certain settings and use them to your advantage.
Here are some of the more common behaviours we might not be aware we are doing:
· Tilting your head: A sign of listening that can be misinterpreted as one of submission or even flirting.
· Folding your hands on your lap: Hiding your hands under a conference table or desk, for example, signals untrustworthiness; a cue from ancient times, when men would reveal their palms to show they were unarmed.
· Crossing your legs: A sign of resistance.
· Excessive smiling: An indication that you lack gravitas and seriousness.
· Folding your arms in front of you: Translates to insecurity or defensiveness.
· Playing with or tugging at your hair, jewelry or clothes: This can signal distress or, again, be misinterpreted as flirting.
A mirror can do a lot. Many of these habits are deeply engrained and, even when we think we have expunged or learned to control them, tend to flare up when we are in stressful or nervous situations.
So, how do we mitigate these ticks, or even put them to good use, if we aren't even aware of them?
"A mirror can do a lot," says Kinsey Goman, executive coach and author of The Nonverbal Advantage. "Practice your speech a variety of ways - with your head tilted, your head straight - and note the difference. Practice your gestures. Gestures are terrific, but don't do them above the shoulder - you'll look too erratic."
Carey O'Donnell, president of Carey O'Donnell Public Relations Group, recommends videotaping presentations and then watching them without sound.
Who in God's name is that? "When we see ourselves in pictures, or especially on TV, we often say, 'Who in God's name is that?'" she laughs. "When you watch yourself without sound, pay attention to visual cues - are you waving your hands frenetically, laughing inappropriately when no one else is laughing, looking around nervously? Then watch it a second time for voice tone and bridges [such as] likes and you knows."
As for dealing with nerves beforehand, Theresa Zagnoli, founder and CEO of a communication and litigation consulting firm, recommends shutting the door of your office or retreating to the restroom and taking 10 to 20 deep-belly breaths. Another trick: releasing nerves by scrunching your toes - an act that, unlike fiddling with your hair or retreating back in your chair, will go unnoticed.
Zagnoli also preaches a tactic called "mirroring," which Frankel says can be particularly helpful when judging how prolonged eye contact should be, or what the appropriate posturing is for a given situation.
Don't change who you are : "The idea is that the more like the person you're dealing with you can become, the more you will connect," Zagnoli says. "Is the person you are sitting across from soft-spoken? Does he or she speak slowly, smile and laugh a lot? Is their pad on the desk or their lap, do they take notes copiously, are their legs crossed, are they leaning forward or backward? I take note of all these things and then chameleon myself to become more like that person."
Some businessmen and women balk at this idea - or at the idea that we have to transform ourselves in order to get ahead. But it is not a compromise, Zagnoli assures.
This - the mirroring, the mimicking and the suppression of bad habits or impulses - "doesn't change who you are," she says. "It doesn't change your heart, what is in your head, your ideas. In fact, changing how you carry yourself allows us to communicate those thoughts and feelings more fully."
A: Minimizing Yourself
Women tend to go out of their way to make themselves smaller. They keep their legs and hands together, slouch and sit back in their chairs. "In program photos for corporate events, if there are 20 or 30 people, a woman will always say 'I'll crouch down in front,'" says Carol Kinsey Goman, executive coach and author of The Nonverbal Advantage. "A man won't do that. By minimizing yourself, you are communicating that you are diminutive or submissive."
B: Demure Posturing
In meetings, women tend to sit tucked into a conference table, hands clasped in their laps, while their male counterparts take a more authoritative pose. Lois Frankel, author of Nice Girls Don't Get The Corner Office, says the power posture in meetings and conferences is: forearms resting on the table, hands lightly clasped in front of you, leaning slightly into the center of the group. This posture shows engagement and leaves you free to gesticulate.
C: Lady Like Legs
Similarly, sitting with one leg tucked under you is a girlish posturing that is best left behind closed doors or for more casual settings than a business meeting. The saying "both feet planted firmly on the floor" rings true, Frankel says. Indeed, sitting with both feet on the floor gives the impression of being grounded and level-headed, important traits in managing your professional image.
D: Smiling Too Much
While smiling is a wonderful way to make others feel comfortable, women tend to overdo it. Often, women will smile to take the edge off the negative, such as criticism or a reprimand. "The most important thing to keep in mind is congruence--that what you say and what your body looks like are aligned," says Kinsey Goman. "Incongruence will throw people." MRI scans have shown that when someone is smiled at, the brain lights up as if she has received a reward--if you smile while you are castigating someone, they might not even realize they are in trouble--and therefore won't take you seriously.
E: Weak Handshake
When we meet someone who offers their hand, we make an instant judgment in part based on the strength of the handshake. "When I get a wimpy, limp handshake," Frankel says, "I tend to dismiss [the person] as someone not to be taken seriously." A firm grip (not bone-crunching, Frankel warns) sends a clear message: You can feel comfortable with me--but be sure to take me seriously.
F: The Partial-Arm Cross
Many women stand with one arm crossed, hugging the other hanging by her side. Don't do it. "This is a frequent female position, and it demonstrates anxiety and low self-confidence," warns O'Donnell. The arm cross is seen as a partial hug, a comforting position that indicates the person is trying to soothe nerves.
G: Touching Hairs
Many women stand with one arm crossed, hugging the other hanging by her side. Don't do it. "This is a frequent female position, and it demonstrates anxiety and low self-confidence," warns O'Donnell. The arm cross is seen as a partial hug, a comforting position that indicates the person is trying to soothe nerves.
H: The Head Tilt
The head tilt is an ancient sign of listening, yet it is often seen in the workplace as a sign of agreement. It also can be misconstrued as acquiescence or flirting. Kinsey Goman recommends practicing saying something with your head tilted and then straight in front on the mirror--you will notice how much authoritative you'll appear when your head isn't cocked to one side.
