Fly United Or Else

IF you thought it was finally safe to fly United, it’s not.

A few days ago, something very strange happened to a Giant Rabbit. It was found dead in the cargo hold of a United Airlines flight after it touched down in Chicago.

Now the aviation authorities are seriously thinking of changing United’s tagline to “Cruising for a Bruising.”

You will recall that only weeks earlier, David Dao, a 65-year old doctor had been dragged off an overbooked flight so roughly that he had been injured in the process. The doctor who’d refused to get off had his nose broken and two teeth removed for his pains.

But there was still a silver lining somewhere. At the time, however, the airline had assured the physician’s family that his forcible removal had been free, which doubtless, had relieved them somewhat. To the airline’s chagrin, the doctor’s final bill had been anything but free.

In the case of Simon, a 35-inch teenage rabbit, he’d been on his way from London to the US where he’d been bought by a private collector who’d wanted him for Easter. For what reason exactly is less clear. Perhaps it may have been due to his noble ancestry. Simon’s father had been the giant Thomas, a Syrian Christian of such heroic dimensions that he had been officially certified the largest rabbit on Earth.

Alas poor Simon. A check-up in London had pronounced him healthy enough for travel. But he’d been found mysteriously dead on arrival despite following all orders from the stewardess. He’d even trusted the captain but prudently kept his seat belt securely fastened at all times.

That was United for you. The only reason it had any employees at all was because Donald Trump was no longer hiring. Their planes didn’t really land, they sort of bumped down. Thankfully, however, its fatalities were rare much like their steaks which were so rare as to be bloody.

Investigators poring over the black box in Simon’s plane detected nothing out of the ordinary. The pilot had begun with his usual introduction. “Ladies, gentleman and one Giant Rabbit, welcome aboard United Airlines where you will find some of the best flight attendants in the world. Unfortunately, none of them are aboard this flight.”

Indeed, all the attendants on that particular flight looked particularly grim or needed shaves on the day Simon met his Baker.

In order to make United’s hired help more appealing, the pilot craftily kept the cabin lights doused throughout the flight which didn’t strike the investigators as particularly suspicious. In fact, they thought it admirable and secretly commended the pilot for his adroit public- relations’ techniques.

Thomas took the news of his son’s demise stoically. “Hare today, gone tomorrow,” was his only response, as much an epitaph on his son as an eloquent commentary on his receding hairline.

The giant rabbit’s philosophic demeanour was much admired by United’s top brass who had secretly thought Dr Dao’s behavior not only churlish but excessive, especially his final bill. Deep down, they felt that any American airline worth its salt had an inalienable right to kick out any passenger whose face they didn’t like. Donald Trump agreed because he was sure it was in the Constitution somewhere and wondered if he could extend that rule to Congress.

Stay tuned folks. And have a lovely Labour Day. May the First be good to you and yours.